bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
