She went from zero to smokin in five shots
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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