We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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