i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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