my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
