i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
