i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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