That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
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he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
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I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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