i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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