You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My penis needs a shock collar
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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