ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
