I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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