he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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