would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
