At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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