There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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