Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
