I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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