I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
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"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
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I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
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