When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
