Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
