i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
