the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
