he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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