i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
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So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
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when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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