I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
