You smell like a Billy Joel song
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
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