I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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