My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
