So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
