My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dating After Heartbreak
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....