My entire life is one complicated drinking game
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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