my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
