If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
