let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
