I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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