oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
