Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
