It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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