i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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