you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
