For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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