I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
