Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
