Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
