she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
