On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
