When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
