Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
