omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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