The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You are a booty call, not a friend.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
