I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I FOUND THE LEGS
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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