the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
