I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
