the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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